Monday, October 10, 2011
Can Anyone Hear Me?
Been a while since I have been able to write and I must say it's been a challenge lately. As a married 29-year-old female with two-year-old twins I have learned one thing about myself I strongly dislike about myself...I can't communicate worth a damn. You would think it would be easy to look at a person and say, "could you please unload the dishwasher." However, I believe that my spouse has these telepathic powers where he can read my mind instantly and respond, "Why yes I can unload the dishwasher!" Not reality. I find myself getting frustrated not only with the fact that he can't read my mind, but then I become even more frustrated that I'm frustrated to begin with. So that's what I want to work on in my life. To communicate my needs, my feelings, my frustrations, my likes and dislikes, and just to talk about the weather. This discussion will be continued...
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Anger is Poison
Anger is an evil in life that can destroy a person and everyone in their path. In fact, I have decided that anger is more damaging to the person who is angry that the person the anger is directed toward. You find all these reasons to be mad and to find fault in the person(s), that after a while it has completely consumed your life and you can't enjoy. I know a lot of angry people in my life. They are angry about past hurts, what they may have been cheated of, or even the job they have. They are negative people who just emit poison into the air for everyone else to breathe. You want to know the one person in my life who I see as the angriest and just feels that life never goes their way...ME. Yup, I'm not afraid to admit that deep down inside I am a very angry person and there are many people in my inner circle who meet my wrath up close in personal.
I can be very good at playing the victim on the inside and vomiting anger on the outside. I have identified several things that make me angry to the point of steam coming out of my ears from boiling on the inside. I'm angry a lot about being adopted. I'm not angry at the people who adopted me because they have been wonderful, but I'm angry about the circumstances that led to the adoption. It's nothing I can change 29 years later, but I will admit it's in there. Who met my wrath for that anger...Mom and Dad as well as my others in my family. I made the mistake of doing research to find out more about my biological family in this past year. Before I would just sweep it under the rug and not discuss the sperm donor and incubator. Well I began to think about, after having my own kids and looking into their eyes everyday, what it would be like if I had to hand them over to complete strangers. So I gave them (the biological) family a chance to explain themselves. This got me know where because my questions were never answered and after doing research I found out that key players have passed away. I know many of you will not understand my need to have these answers since I never knew these people, but I feel like there is a hole inside of me that will never be filled.
Another thing I'm angry about...the way I was treated by my peers growing up. They judged me based on the outside and never got a chance to take a look at the inside. Being beat up every day and called vial names from kindergarten to 12th grade is not exactly a walk in the park. I never retaliated and I tried my best not to show my pain, but I was very angry most of my childhood. I think I was angry because I felt powerless and like I should have just knocked the crap out of one of them. I mean I am the youngest of 5 so I can hold my own. Just ask Dawn ;) Anyway, I am actually finding ways to channel this anger by speaking out and regaining my power on this one. I will start speaking in schools next month about my experiences growing up and hopefully plant a little seed in just one person's head that words do hurt for a long time.
I'm angry that I don't feel like a kind person to the people who matter the most in my life...especially my husband. Wow, if I were married to me I would have left a long time ago. He gets the brute force of my wrath. If the house is a mess after he volunteered to watch the kids for me so I can get away for a few hours I flip. I don't thank him for what he has done nor am I happy that my children are alive and happy, I just see the mess and more work to be done. If we are budgeting and I don't like where we are financially, some how that is completely his fault and my head starts to spin. If I feel like he's not disciplining the kids the way I think it should be done, then it's all out war. So the moral of this story is I have high expectations of one person who is only human. Anger is poison.
I'm not perfect and never will be. I need to learn to control my anger as well as my tongue and I think that everyone should make a valid attempt to do so. All this anger is only causing me more pain and driving people around me nuts...not to mention probably making them feel as tall as a thimble. You want to know what makes me different, though, than others who have anger inside. I can admit my faults and I'm willing to work on it to better myself. I'm not looking for someone to blame like most people I know. When I'm wrong, I'm really wrong and once I started accepting that I was unable to tell people I'm sorry for the way I treated them. I hope this post opens a lot of eyes and makes sense.
I can be very good at playing the victim on the inside and vomiting anger on the outside. I have identified several things that make me angry to the point of steam coming out of my ears from boiling on the inside. I'm angry a lot about being adopted. I'm not angry at the people who adopted me because they have been wonderful, but I'm angry about the circumstances that led to the adoption. It's nothing I can change 29 years later, but I will admit it's in there. Who met my wrath for that anger...Mom and Dad as well as my others in my family. I made the mistake of doing research to find out more about my biological family in this past year. Before I would just sweep it under the rug and not discuss the sperm donor and incubator. Well I began to think about, after having my own kids and looking into their eyes everyday, what it would be like if I had to hand them over to complete strangers. So I gave them (the biological) family a chance to explain themselves. This got me know where because my questions were never answered and after doing research I found out that key players have passed away. I know many of you will not understand my need to have these answers since I never knew these people, but I feel like there is a hole inside of me that will never be filled.
Another thing I'm angry about...the way I was treated by my peers growing up. They judged me based on the outside and never got a chance to take a look at the inside. Being beat up every day and called vial names from kindergarten to 12th grade is not exactly a walk in the park. I never retaliated and I tried my best not to show my pain, but I was very angry most of my childhood. I think I was angry because I felt powerless and like I should have just knocked the crap out of one of them. I mean I am the youngest of 5 so I can hold my own. Just ask Dawn ;) Anyway, I am actually finding ways to channel this anger by speaking out and regaining my power on this one. I will start speaking in schools next month about my experiences growing up and hopefully plant a little seed in just one person's head that words do hurt for a long time.
I'm angry that I don't feel like a kind person to the people who matter the most in my life...especially my husband. Wow, if I were married to me I would have left a long time ago. He gets the brute force of my wrath. If the house is a mess after he volunteered to watch the kids for me so I can get away for a few hours I flip. I don't thank him for what he has done nor am I happy that my children are alive and happy, I just see the mess and more work to be done. If we are budgeting and I don't like where we are financially, some how that is completely his fault and my head starts to spin. If I feel like he's not disciplining the kids the way I think it should be done, then it's all out war. So the moral of this story is I have high expectations of one person who is only human. Anger is poison.
I'm not perfect and never will be. I need to learn to control my anger as well as my tongue and I think that everyone should make a valid attempt to do so. All this anger is only causing me more pain and driving people around me nuts...not to mention probably making them feel as tall as a thimble. You want to know what makes me different, though, than others who have anger inside. I can admit my faults and I'm willing to work on it to better myself. I'm not looking for someone to blame like most people I know. When I'm wrong, I'm really wrong and once I started accepting that I was unable to tell people I'm sorry for the way I treated them. I hope this post opens a lot of eyes and makes sense.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Temper Tantrums or Personality?
What would you do if you walked into a store and saw a grown man lying there in the middle of the floor kicking and screaming and rolling around because they were out of his favorite chips. He would look pretty ridiculous, right? So why is it my two beautiful children think it's okay to throw themselves to the floor in complete hysterics because they couldn't have "nack" right then. Oh my beautiful babies. I love them so in all their glory. It's like on September 11, 2011 they turned 2 and on September 12, 2011 this little switch was turned on in their little heads to throw a tantrum every 10-15 minutes every day for the next year. Yes, we are just in week two of this new year, but I have had my fair share of tantrums to last me a lifetime. I feel like hitting the floor screaming and crying because I have to change the fifth dirty diaper of the day. And let me tell you. Time out does not work for these two. They go to the corner and have discussions with themselves about what they should do next to either get in trouble or to get my attention. It's funny if they are in time out at the same time because they talk to each other and plot. When you get them out and tell them why they went to time out and ask if they understand they will straight up tell you no and go to the next thing or even back to the first thing that go them in trouble.
Everyone, they are little people roaming this earth now with minds of their own and it is our (Chris and my) responsibility to make sure that they turn out at least halfway decit. So I made this vow to myself. I said self, "Your children will not be the ones in the store kicking and screaming because life is not going their way. You will not bribe them to behave while you finish grocery shopping (that's if you're crazy enough to take them both). You will not ignore their temper tantrums when in a restaurant, pretending they do not exist and allow them to disturb everyone's meal. You will discipline no matter where you are because it will make them better people." Folks, I have stuck by this and will continue to do so. I have not had to leave a grocery store yet because they are very well behaved, but I also don't shop for three hours. In and out people. They have had to serve time out in Toys R Us because of misbehavior. And yes, when we were at the Mexican restaurant I asked the waiter to box my food up before it even made it to the table and took their screaming little bodies out to the car while Chris paid the bill. Most recently, Trenton lost it in a store on our way to his doctor's appointment and he was taken to the car immediately, his little behind was reminded of why we do not act like caged animals and he was strapped into his car seat. As I was doing this another woman was walking out of the same store with her screaming daughter bribing her with McDonald's if she would stop (huge eye roll). I am happy to report that while Trenton stared out the window all the way to the doctor's office clutching his blanket and sniffling after his little reminder, he was the most well behaved child during the entire appointment. People, I just had to tell him once and he got it.
Honestly, though, these children are the absolute loves of my life and I can't imagine my life without them. They have very distinct personalities and they crack me up. Lillian Deborra Jackson was born 40 long minutes after her brother and for the first 6 months was our patient little princess who just would go with the flow. She would listen to Trenton scream and just lay them and coo and smile like, "Life is grand". Today, she's a leader, instigator, and the boss of this house (so she thinks). She walks around with authority and though we don't always understand what she is saying, we know that she is demanding or commanding. She very much has my personality and looks exactly like me so what am I to expect. She is all girl and will carry her purse and push her shopping cart around the house on a mission. Her middle name is after my mother Deborra and she has a little bit of G.G. in her because the girl loves shoes just like my Mom and speaks her mind just like my Mom. They have a very special bond and I know she was named properly from the second I saw her little face. She's a fighter and doesn't put up with anybody's bull. She is also the busy body of the house and always on the move. From the time those eyes open until we lay her down at night she's into something. She's sneaky too. She will get into something that she knows she's not allowed to be in and just as I'm turning she's gone and Trenton is left at the scene of the crime. For a while he was getting in trouble until one day I caught her trying to get those little legs of her's going fast enough to get away before getting in trouble. She's quick to do everything first because she was born last. She walked first and is talking much more than Trenton. That's because she doesn't have time to wait for me to figure it out...she just tells me straight up and we go from there. She's a tiny ball of fire!
Trenton Alexander Jackson came into this world on a mission and in a hurry. He wanted to make a real impression in the family. I suppose that's why he decided that I would go into labor and deliver on September 11 when they weren't due until Halloween. He was a little slow to get going in the beginning and need a little bit of assistance his first few days of life, but once everything was removed he demanded that he get attention. When Trenton wimpered you had approximately 10 seconds to figure out what he wanted before it was a full out hysterical screech. That's the way the house ran for the first 6 months. I knew that Lily would wait patiently as I made bottles or changed diapers, but Trenton needed me immediately. Not easy when you are alone with two infants for a majority of the day. Now, our little man is laid back and relaxed just like his daddy. And boy does he look like his daddy. He will take his blanket that his G.G. made him and sit in a corner with his toys and wait for the next move. He is easily excited and has the most beautiful smile of any little boy I've ever seen. He just goes with the flow and if he's not ready, he's just not ready. He didn't start walking until he was 17 months because he knew he would be taken care of when it was his turn. He can still be a little demanding, but he's much more quiet about it all. He lets Lily do most of the talking to get what he wants and is satisfied with the choices she makes...most of the time. He loves to cuddle up with you to watch Diego or Mickey Mouse Club or to read a book. He's an observer and will wait until the time is right. He is a complete gentleman like his dad (well unless there's a knock down drag out for a toy) and adores his baby sister. He is very protective of her and will stare a stranger down that even looks in her direction.
Just wanted to give you an introduction to the dynamic duo in our lives. Believe me there will be more stories to come about these two!
Everyone, they are little people roaming this earth now with minds of their own and it is our (Chris and my) responsibility to make sure that they turn out at least halfway decit. So I made this vow to myself. I said self, "Your children will not be the ones in the store kicking and screaming because life is not going their way. You will not bribe them to behave while you finish grocery shopping (that's if you're crazy enough to take them both). You will not ignore their temper tantrums when in a restaurant, pretending they do not exist and allow them to disturb everyone's meal. You will discipline no matter where you are because it will make them better people." Folks, I have stuck by this and will continue to do so. I have not had to leave a grocery store yet because they are very well behaved, but I also don't shop for three hours. In and out people. They have had to serve time out in Toys R Us because of misbehavior. And yes, when we were at the Mexican restaurant I asked the waiter to box my food up before it even made it to the table and took their screaming little bodies out to the car while Chris paid the bill. Most recently, Trenton lost it in a store on our way to his doctor's appointment and he was taken to the car immediately, his little behind was reminded of why we do not act like caged animals and he was strapped into his car seat. As I was doing this another woman was walking out of the same store with her screaming daughter bribing her with McDonald's if she would stop (huge eye roll). I am happy to report that while Trenton stared out the window all the way to the doctor's office clutching his blanket and sniffling after his little reminder, he was the most well behaved child during the entire appointment. People, I just had to tell him once and he got it.
Honestly, though, these children are the absolute loves of my life and I can't imagine my life without them. They have very distinct personalities and they crack me up. Lillian Deborra Jackson was born 40 long minutes after her brother and for the first 6 months was our patient little princess who just would go with the flow. She would listen to Trenton scream and just lay them and coo and smile like, "Life is grand". Today, she's a leader, instigator, and the boss of this house (so she thinks). She walks around with authority and though we don't always understand what she is saying, we know that she is demanding or commanding. She very much has my personality and looks exactly like me so what am I to expect. She is all girl and will carry her purse and push her shopping cart around the house on a mission. Her middle name is after my mother Deborra and she has a little bit of G.G. in her because the girl loves shoes just like my Mom and speaks her mind just like my Mom. They have a very special bond and I know she was named properly from the second I saw her little face. She's a fighter and doesn't put up with anybody's bull. She is also the busy body of the house and always on the move. From the time those eyes open until we lay her down at night she's into something. She's sneaky too. She will get into something that she knows she's not allowed to be in and just as I'm turning she's gone and Trenton is left at the scene of the crime. For a while he was getting in trouble until one day I caught her trying to get those little legs of her's going fast enough to get away before getting in trouble. She's quick to do everything first because she was born last. She walked first and is talking much more than Trenton. That's because she doesn't have time to wait for me to figure it out...she just tells me straight up and we go from there. She's a tiny ball of fire!
Trenton Alexander Jackson came into this world on a mission and in a hurry. He wanted to make a real impression in the family. I suppose that's why he decided that I would go into labor and deliver on September 11 when they weren't due until Halloween. He was a little slow to get going in the beginning and need a little bit of assistance his first few days of life, but once everything was removed he demanded that he get attention. When Trenton wimpered you had approximately 10 seconds to figure out what he wanted before it was a full out hysterical screech. That's the way the house ran for the first 6 months. I knew that Lily would wait patiently as I made bottles or changed diapers, but Trenton needed me immediately. Not easy when you are alone with two infants for a majority of the day. Now, our little man is laid back and relaxed just like his daddy. And boy does he look like his daddy. He will take his blanket that his G.G. made him and sit in a corner with his toys and wait for the next move. He is easily excited and has the most beautiful smile of any little boy I've ever seen. He just goes with the flow and if he's not ready, he's just not ready. He didn't start walking until he was 17 months because he knew he would be taken care of when it was his turn. He can still be a little demanding, but he's much more quiet about it all. He lets Lily do most of the talking to get what he wants and is satisfied with the choices she makes...most of the time. He loves to cuddle up with you to watch Diego or Mickey Mouse Club or to read a book. He's an observer and will wait until the time is right. He is a complete gentleman like his dad (well unless there's a knock down drag out for a toy) and adores his baby sister. He is very protective of her and will stare a stranger down that even looks in her direction.
Just wanted to give you an introduction to the dynamic duo in our lives. Believe me there will be more stories to come about these two!
God, Is That You?
Why yes I do have a lot to say tonight, but my little brain has been running a 1,000 miles a minute today so I think you should know what's going on.
So about 3 weeks ago God woke me up out of a dead sleep and presented me with a challenge. He said, "Shelley, I am going to use you in away that you would have never thought of in your life. I want you to become the voice of those who were bullied like you were when you were growing up. I will provide...just trust in me." Now how on earth are you supposed to come up with a response to that especially after sleeping for 8 hours and not know the day or time at that moment? I'll tell you what you do, you walk yourself down to your computer and you start searching for ways to become involved. I spent the entire day that Tuesday looking for programs in Central Ohio that advocate anti-bullying. Can I tell you how sad it is that I only came across two, yes TWO programs in our great State's capital that run programs to help those who have been bullied.
Okay, God you didn't say this was going to be easy. So I called both not expecting any response and to actually be blown off. Never doubt God when He says he will provide. Not 2 hours after I called the Educational Council in Franklin County the director called me and wanted to know my story. He didn't ask how I wanted to be involved or what my intentions were...he wanted to know about Shelley. So I gave him a brief synopsis and he jumped on the opportunity to get me involved. One hour after talking to him, Cabot Rea of NBC4 is calling me and wanted to do an interview with me the very next day. He has this series called Battle Against Bullying and he wanted me to be involved. So the next day, after my counseling appointment, I drove over to NBC4 and sat down in front of a camera to tell millions of strangers my story. There was no turning back then when God took my little hand and made me ring that doorbell, then gently pushed me in the door and said, "I'm right here. You will be okay."
I was okay. I told my story. Let God and let go. I drove away from the station about 20 pounds lighter, which was a whole lot easier than dieting and exercising. Cabot told me it would air the following week and I told everyone I could think of that I was going to be on TV and to tune in. However, to my surprise I got beat out by the rapper who goes into schools to get the message out about anti-bullying. I was crushed and devastated so I thought this was God's way of telling me that it wasn't time. Okay, I'll be honest, I thought this was the media's way of telling me that what I had to say was not important enough to hear. My story had been thrown in a pile of duds.
Oh God, when will I ever learn. I get a text message from a friend this week telling me that my story is going to air on Thursday and she saw a preview. I told her she was nuts and didn't think anymore of it until I was watching some stupid talk show and during the commercial there I was on TV as the featured story for the next day. I will admit that I didn't recognize myself at first and when it dawned on me that it was me I looked at Chris and said, "Oh my God that's me!"
So my story aired yesterday evening and I didn't not watch it at the time because I was at counseling. I go to counseling a lot if you haven't noticed. As I was waiting for my therapist to come and get me and Chris from the lobby I noticed on my phone that my Facebook was blowing up. People were telling me that they saw my clip and that they were so proud of me. I was too afraid to watch when we got home so I waited until like 10 to watch. All of the responses I have received on Facebook have been so encouraging and supportive and it just brought a smile to my face.
Story over, got my message out, hope it reaches at least one person and I move on with my life. Yeah, you know that Big Guy in the sky. He tapped on my shoulder this evening and said I wasn't quite finished. I got a call from Cabot Rea this evening and he said that the phones had been ringing off the hook all in response to my story and how "inspirational" it was to them. In addition, there are several schools in the area that want me to come in and speak to their students about my experience. HELLO GOD, are you sure? Yes, he's sure. So beginning Monday, I am going to start lining up speaking engagements at schools and we will see where it all goes from there.
This is what I want to convey to these students. 1) I am no longer a victim. 2) I am regaining my power. 3) They are not alone. 4) They should not hide in the shadows.
I also want to reach those bullies and let them know that they are not "bad" and that I feel like they have their own hurts and in order to regain their power they take it out on someone else to feel superior in a world where they may always feel inferior. I also want teachers and administrators to know that this is not kids being kids. This is the victimization of another human being to the fullest. Whether with words, texts, or fists. Someone out there may get that message I did that I should go kill myself and actually go through with it in the end. I'm glad I didn't or I wouldn't be that voice!
So about 3 weeks ago God woke me up out of a dead sleep and presented me with a challenge. He said, "Shelley, I am going to use you in away that you would have never thought of in your life. I want you to become the voice of those who were bullied like you were when you were growing up. I will provide...just trust in me." Now how on earth are you supposed to come up with a response to that especially after sleeping for 8 hours and not know the day or time at that moment? I'll tell you what you do, you walk yourself down to your computer and you start searching for ways to become involved. I spent the entire day that Tuesday looking for programs in Central Ohio that advocate anti-bullying. Can I tell you how sad it is that I only came across two, yes TWO programs in our great State's capital that run programs to help those who have been bullied.
Okay, God you didn't say this was going to be easy. So I called both not expecting any response and to actually be blown off. Never doubt God when He says he will provide. Not 2 hours after I called the Educational Council in Franklin County the director called me and wanted to know my story. He didn't ask how I wanted to be involved or what my intentions were...he wanted to know about Shelley. So I gave him a brief synopsis and he jumped on the opportunity to get me involved. One hour after talking to him, Cabot Rea of NBC4 is calling me and wanted to do an interview with me the very next day. He has this series called Battle Against Bullying and he wanted me to be involved. So the next day, after my counseling appointment, I drove over to NBC4 and sat down in front of a camera to tell millions of strangers my story. There was no turning back then when God took my little hand and made me ring that doorbell, then gently pushed me in the door and said, "I'm right here. You will be okay."
I was okay. I told my story. Let God and let go. I drove away from the station about 20 pounds lighter, which was a whole lot easier than dieting and exercising. Cabot told me it would air the following week and I told everyone I could think of that I was going to be on TV and to tune in. However, to my surprise I got beat out by the rapper who goes into schools to get the message out about anti-bullying. I was crushed and devastated so I thought this was God's way of telling me that it wasn't time. Okay, I'll be honest, I thought this was the media's way of telling me that what I had to say was not important enough to hear. My story had been thrown in a pile of duds.
Oh God, when will I ever learn. I get a text message from a friend this week telling me that my story is going to air on Thursday and she saw a preview. I told her she was nuts and didn't think anymore of it until I was watching some stupid talk show and during the commercial there I was on TV as the featured story for the next day. I will admit that I didn't recognize myself at first and when it dawned on me that it was me I looked at Chris and said, "Oh my God that's me!"
So my story aired yesterday evening and I didn't not watch it at the time because I was at counseling. I go to counseling a lot if you haven't noticed. As I was waiting for my therapist to come and get me and Chris from the lobby I noticed on my phone that my Facebook was blowing up. People were telling me that they saw my clip and that they were so proud of me. I was too afraid to watch when we got home so I waited until like 10 to watch. All of the responses I have received on Facebook have been so encouraging and supportive and it just brought a smile to my face.
Story over, got my message out, hope it reaches at least one person and I move on with my life. Yeah, you know that Big Guy in the sky. He tapped on my shoulder this evening and said I wasn't quite finished. I got a call from Cabot Rea this evening and he said that the phones had been ringing off the hook all in response to my story and how "inspirational" it was to them. In addition, there are several schools in the area that want me to come in and speak to their students about my experience. HELLO GOD, are you sure? Yes, he's sure. So beginning Monday, I am going to start lining up speaking engagements at schools and we will see where it all goes from there.
This is what I want to convey to these students. 1) I am no longer a victim. 2) I am regaining my power. 3) They are not alone. 4) They should not hide in the shadows.
I also want to reach those bullies and let them know that they are not "bad" and that I feel like they have their own hurts and in order to regain their power they take it out on someone else to feel superior in a world where they may always feel inferior. I also want teachers and administrators to know that this is not kids being kids. This is the victimization of another human being to the fullest. Whether with words, texts, or fists. Someone out there may get that message I did that I should go kill myself and actually go through with it in the end. I'm glad I didn't or I wouldn't be that voice!
Now You See The Real Me
All Right Folks. I'm laying it all down and coming out of the shadows. What you are going to read is every diagnosis, hospitalization, and craziness in my life. I do this only for you to understand future posts, where I come from and what and how I deal with life in general despite what someone has said I have. I also speak as an advocate for mental health issues. This is part of me coming out of the shadows and exposing myself. I hate the stigma this disease gets and how people make assumptions about someone who may be suffering from a mental illness. It does not make you less of a person or ineffective in anyway as long as you learn to accept it for what it is and live life the way it should be lived for you. I want to educate everyone the best way I know how and leave the door open for discussion and questions to be asked. Please know that I do not define myself by these labels, but they just make me who I am...a unique individual with a story to share. So here it goes:
Anorexia/Bulimia:
This began at age 13 and continues on and off today. I began as a diet, then I became a vegetarian and then it turned into a full fledged monster. Not a scary monster that you see in the shadows, but more like those fury ones from Yo Gabba Gabba or Where the Wild Things Are. They became my friends and I found such comfort in them. I mastered the disease and thought I was in complete control. I knew the right answers to give and how to avoid eating at all cost. I hid it very well from people (or so I thought) and was complete immersed. It became more important to me than get an A on a test, though that was very important. I used food as a reward and as a punishment, mostly a punishment. If I didn't do well on a test I would starve myself for days. If I ate one too many chips then I would purge. So in reality the disease mastered me and had complete and total control. I was blind to it and when people would express their concern I stayed in denial. I secretly hated people who I thought were skinnier than me so I would go to the mirror and pull and pinch to see where I could lose more. I would exercise until I passed out and once I came to I would go right back at again. I was hospitalized in college and entered an outpatient treatment program to get "healthy". I did learn a lot from the program though I was forced into it, but what had to happen is that I had to realize that it wasn't about the food, it was about deep hurts and having control of something in my life. Yes, I did say I still struggle with it today. I find myself reverting back to old habits and punishing myself if I have felt like I was a terrible mom or wife or if the scale told me that I gained one pound. It's probably something I will always battle, but the difference between 29 with and eating disorder and 13 with an eating disorder is that I know when what I am doing is detrimental and I am able to have the sit down with myself and rationally look at my choices.
Bipolar II
Diagnosed while I was pregnant with the twins, I felt completely helpless and like this diagnosis was going to define my abilities as a wife and mother. Constantly falling into deep depressions where I can't get out of bed really began in college, but the rage and anger began much earlier. Lets face it folks, I was hell on wheels and an absolute BRAT. The dumbest things would set me off and I would go into these fits of rage where I would throw things at family members, curse my parents out, destroy a room faster than a tornado and then come down off the high with in minutes like nothing had happened. We didn't know then that what I was experiencing were the affects of the disorder, but now that I have a name and am being counseled I now know that probably some of the time I really had no control. Now, I am on medication to stabilize the manic phases (which are few) and bring me out of those dark places. They allow me to function and when I pull the typical bipolar move that I feel better and I don't need the meds anymore then things spiral downhill faster than an avalanche. I'm not comfortable with the diagnosis and I have my concerns about the effects on my family, especially Lillian and Trenton, but I just have to realize that it's just like having diabetes. Just take my medicines and my levels will remain right where they need to be.
Borderline Personality Disorder
Okay, honestly I don't understand this one too well, but I'm starting to after 10 years. Basically what it boils down to is I'm a black and white thinker and there is absolutely no gray. I either hate you or I love you. It's either right or wrong and there is absolutely no compromising. If you know me, you know I'm a very rigid person and things have to be just so or my world falls down around me (or so I think). This makes marriage a little difficult, especially being married to such a laid back gentleman who just goes with the flow. However, in my little narrow-minded world things will operate a specific way. How that has become a disorder, I do not know, but I am learning skills to be more dialectical and open in my thinking. I'm learning to not react out of emotion, to check the facts of the situation, and to make a decision or determination that looks at all sides.
Dissociative Identity Disorder
My new (and probably 13 therapist) knew immediately that I had this disorder on our first meeting in March, but I was not given the official label until two weeks ago. It's like when my Mom knew I was pregnant a whole month before I knew...freaky. But, lets just call a spade a spade, I hear voices or have other identities. I have for a majority of my life, but thought it was just me having conversations with myself in my head. Or that little voice in the back of your head that tells you that it's probably not a good idea to eat the whole bag of oreos. Now I don't turn into a completely different person and have different names like you may see on Dr. Phil or documentaries. I'm Shelley and I have some friends who like to give their input every now and then. And, I have a lot of voices who have input as to what I should do and they are all very distinct and they all serve a different purpose in my life. The way it was explained to me is that when I experienced trauma in my life such as being bullied or beat up on a daily basis when I was young, I would dissociate from my body and that identity would take the pain for me. It protected me. That is probably why I never cried when I was beat up, because I really didn't feel much of anything. Now this is the scarier of all the diagnoses, because not a lot of people know about it and may judge me or think I'm full of it and that's okay. I am learning to be comfortable with who God made me to be. Who knows, maybe one of these voices will finally give me the winning lottery numbers for the mega millions. I'm not totally comfortable with this diagnosis yet, and it will probably take me years like the other diagnoses, but I want to start taking the steps in managing the illness instead of running from it like I have for so many years.
Self-Mutilation/Injury
This is probably they only thing in my life that I'm embarrassed about and probably will be until the day I die. This started when I was little by hitting myself in the head or punching my thighs until they bruised. Of course I never did this in front of anyone because that would be just plain ludicrous to be sitting at the dinner table and beating the crap out of yourself. But I did this when I would get frustrated, didn't do well at something, or when I thought I disappointed someone. As I grew older and people started beating me up, I saw no need to do that as often so I resorted to something that would bring me out of my state of numbness. So I started cutting in middle or high school. Nothing noticeable in the beginning because it had to be my secret. However, as I got older an things became more difficult in my life I resorted to cutting more to the point where it became a daily ritual. I have been hospitalized for this just for obvious reasons. Now let me be clear. Cutting is not an act to commit suicide...those are two completely different situations and I have dealt with both. Cutting is to feel the pain that's on the inside on the outside. I have allowed suicide to be an option for me on multiple occasions and have been hospitalized at least 3 times, but it was never because I was cutting to get to that point. This too is something that I struggle with especially if I speak of something very emotional or difficult during a therapy session. I'm not a crier so I'm not going to sob my pain away. However, I am learning to let that part of my life go and to allow myself to feel the pain on the inside.
Message In a Nutshell
I share this with you because it's not something I want to hide anymore. I feel like I have been lying to all of you for all of these years because I was ashamed and afraid of judgment. I know there's going to be at least one person out there who is going to question or challenge me. There will certainly be critics, but if I can't be honest with you then I will never be able to be honest with myself. Becoming a mother has changed me in so many ways and I want the absolute best for Lillian and Trenton, but in order for them to have the absolute best they need to have the absolute best mom. In order for me to be the absolute best mom, I need to be health mind, body and soul. I also want to be that voice for those who are still hiding in the shadows. Don't be afraid...come out, come out wherever you are and know that there is someone here to embrace you with love and acceptance!
Anorexia/Bulimia:
This began at age 13 and continues on and off today. I began as a diet, then I became a vegetarian and then it turned into a full fledged monster. Not a scary monster that you see in the shadows, but more like those fury ones from Yo Gabba Gabba or Where the Wild Things Are. They became my friends and I found such comfort in them. I mastered the disease and thought I was in complete control. I knew the right answers to give and how to avoid eating at all cost. I hid it very well from people (or so I thought) and was complete immersed. It became more important to me than get an A on a test, though that was very important. I used food as a reward and as a punishment, mostly a punishment. If I didn't do well on a test I would starve myself for days. If I ate one too many chips then I would purge. So in reality the disease mastered me and had complete and total control. I was blind to it and when people would express their concern I stayed in denial. I secretly hated people who I thought were skinnier than me so I would go to the mirror and pull and pinch to see where I could lose more. I would exercise until I passed out and once I came to I would go right back at again. I was hospitalized in college and entered an outpatient treatment program to get "healthy". I did learn a lot from the program though I was forced into it, but what had to happen is that I had to realize that it wasn't about the food, it was about deep hurts and having control of something in my life. Yes, I did say I still struggle with it today. I find myself reverting back to old habits and punishing myself if I have felt like I was a terrible mom or wife or if the scale told me that I gained one pound. It's probably something I will always battle, but the difference between 29 with and eating disorder and 13 with an eating disorder is that I know when what I am doing is detrimental and I am able to have the sit down with myself and rationally look at my choices.
Bipolar II
Diagnosed while I was pregnant with the twins, I felt completely helpless and like this diagnosis was going to define my abilities as a wife and mother. Constantly falling into deep depressions where I can't get out of bed really began in college, but the rage and anger began much earlier. Lets face it folks, I was hell on wheels and an absolute BRAT. The dumbest things would set me off and I would go into these fits of rage where I would throw things at family members, curse my parents out, destroy a room faster than a tornado and then come down off the high with in minutes like nothing had happened. We didn't know then that what I was experiencing were the affects of the disorder, but now that I have a name and am being counseled I now know that probably some of the time I really had no control. Now, I am on medication to stabilize the manic phases (which are few) and bring me out of those dark places. They allow me to function and when I pull the typical bipolar move that I feel better and I don't need the meds anymore then things spiral downhill faster than an avalanche. I'm not comfortable with the diagnosis and I have my concerns about the effects on my family, especially Lillian and Trenton, but I just have to realize that it's just like having diabetes. Just take my medicines and my levels will remain right where they need to be.
Borderline Personality Disorder
Okay, honestly I don't understand this one too well, but I'm starting to after 10 years. Basically what it boils down to is I'm a black and white thinker and there is absolutely no gray. I either hate you or I love you. It's either right or wrong and there is absolutely no compromising. If you know me, you know I'm a very rigid person and things have to be just so or my world falls down around me (or so I think). This makes marriage a little difficult, especially being married to such a laid back gentleman who just goes with the flow. However, in my little narrow-minded world things will operate a specific way. How that has become a disorder, I do not know, but I am learning skills to be more dialectical and open in my thinking. I'm learning to not react out of emotion, to check the facts of the situation, and to make a decision or determination that looks at all sides.
Dissociative Identity Disorder
My new (and probably 13 therapist) knew immediately that I had this disorder on our first meeting in March, but I was not given the official label until two weeks ago. It's like when my Mom knew I was pregnant a whole month before I knew...freaky. But, lets just call a spade a spade, I hear voices or have other identities. I have for a majority of my life, but thought it was just me having conversations with myself in my head. Or that little voice in the back of your head that tells you that it's probably not a good idea to eat the whole bag of oreos. Now I don't turn into a completely different person and have different names like you may see on Dr. Phil or documentaries. I'm Shelley and I have some friends who like to give their input every now and then. And, I have a lot of voices who have input as to what I should do and they are all very distinct and they all serve a different purpose in my life. The way it was explained to me is that when I experienced trauma in my life such as being bullied or beat up on a daily basis when I was young, I would dissociate from my body and that identity would take the pain for me. It protected me. That is probably why I never cried when I was beat up, because I really didn't feel much of anything. Now this is the scarier of all the diagnoses, because not a lot of people know about it and may judge me or think I'm full of it and that's okay. I am learning to be comfortable with who God made me to be. Who knows, maybe one of these voices will finally give me the winning lottery numbers for the mega millions. I'm not totally comfortable with this diagnosis yet, and it will probably take me years like the other diagnoses, but I want to start taking the steps in managing the illness instead of running from it like I have for so many years.
Self-Mutilation/Injury
This is probably they only thing in my life that I'm embarrassed about and probably will be until the day I die. This started when I was little by hitting myself in the head or punching my thighs until they bruised. Of course I never did this in front of anyone because that would be just plain ludicrous to be sitting at the dinner table and beating the crap out of yourself. But I did this when I would get frustrated, didn't do well at something, or when I thought I disappointed someone. As I grew older and people started beating me up, I saw no need to do that as often so I resorted to something that would bring me out of my state of numbness. So I started cutting in middle or high school. Nothing noticeable in the beginning because it had to be my secret. However, as I got older an things became more difficult in my life I resorted to cutting more to the point where it became a daily ritual. I have been hospitalized for this just for obvious reasons. Now let me be clear. Cutting is not an act to commit suicide...those are two completely different situations and I have dealt with both. Cutting is to feel the pain that's on the inside on the outside. I have allowed suicide to be an option for me on multiple occasions and have been hospitalized at least 3 times, but it was never because I was cutting to get to that point. This too is something that I struggle with especially if I speak of something very emotional or difficult during a therapy session. I'm not a crier so I'm not going to sob my pain away. However, I am learning to let that part of my life go and to allow myself to feel the pain on the inside.
Message In a Nutshell
I share this with you because it's not something I want to hide anymore. I feel like I have been lying to all of you for all of these years because I was ashamed and afraid of judgment. I know there's going to be at least one person out there who is going to question or challenge me. There will certainly be critics, but if I can't be honest with you then I will never be able to be honest with myself. Becoming a mother has changed me in so many ways and I want the absolute best for Lillian and Trenton, but in order for them to have the absolute best they need to have the absolute best mom. In order for me to be the absolute best mom, I need to be health mind, body and soul. I also want to be that voice for those who are still hiding in the shadows. Don't be afraid...come out, come out wherever you are and know that there is someone here to embrace you with love and acceptance!
Poker Face
Interesting what God deals you in life. Up until this point I have not been too impressed with all my cards. Yeah there's that occasional royal flush that brings in the big dough, but in general I find myself folding a lot. I mean if you are sitting on a 2 and 3 off suit, chances are you are going to tank if you go all in. So I remain very cautious and guarded, holding my hand close to my chest and giving no indication physically or emotionally what I have been dealt. Until recently. It started with sharing with my Sunday school class that I am Bipolar after I had to make a quick exit in tears from a panic attack. Until that point they saw me as the bubbly newcomer with a loving husband and two adorable twins. Oh, I was so good with the poker face. I had it mastered and they were absolutely clueless, but then the cards that came my way were more than disappointing and I was losing terribly. So I told them all what I was dealing with and when the chips were down they lent me some of their's so I could get back into the game. They pray for me, offer to make meals, watch the kids, clean my house, and just sit with me in my time of need. While I have not taken them up on all of these services it's nice to know that they are there for me and that they love me unconditionally. So I have done something with them that I have done with no other human being other than my husband...I became vulnerable. Exposing myself like I walked out the door with out pants on, except this time I was not embarrassed by what they saw. And so my story really begins and the cards are being dealt for all to see....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)