Now You See The Real Me

All Right Folks.  I'm laying it all down and coming out of the shadows.  What you are going to read is every diagnosis, hospitalization, and craziness in my life.  I do this only for you to understand future posts, where I come from and what and how I deal with life in general despite what someone has said I have.  I also speak as an advocate for mental health issues.  This is part of me coming out of the shadows and exposing myself. I hate the stigma this disease gets and how people make assumptions about someone who may be suffering from a mental illness.  It does not make you less of a person or ineffective in anyway as long as you learn to accept it for what it is and live life the way it should be lived for you.  I want to educate everyone the best way I know how and leave the door open for discussion and questions to be asked.  Please know that I do not define myself by these labels, but they just make me who I am...a unique individual with a story to share. So here it goes:

Anorexia/Bulimia:
This began at age 13 and continues on and off today.  I began as a diet, then I became a vegetarian and then it turned into a full fledged monster.  Not a scary monster that you see in the shadows, but more like those fury ones from Yo Gabba Gabba or Where the Wild Things Are.  They became my friends and I found such comfort in them. I mastered the disease and thought I was in complete control.  I knew the right answers to give and how to avoid eating at all cost.  I hid it very well from people (or so I thought) and was complete immersed.  It became more important to me than get an A on a test, though that was very important.  I used food as a reward and as a punishment, mostly a punishment.  If I didn't do well on a test I would starve myself for days.   If I ate one too many chips then I would purge.  So in reality the disease mastered me and had complete and total control.  I was blind to it and when people would express their concern I stayed in denial.  I secretly hated people who I thought were skinnier than me so I would go to the mirror and pull and pinch to see where I could lose more.  I would exercise until I passed out and once I came to I would go right back at again.  I was hospitalized in college and entered an outpatient treatment program to get "healthy".  I did learn a lot from the program though I was forced into it, but what had to happen is that I had to realize that it wasn't about the food, it was about deep hurts and having control of something in my life.  Yes, I did say I still struggle with it today.  I find myself reverting back to old habits and punishing myself if I have felt like I was a terrible mom or wife or if the scale told me that I gained one pound.  It's probably something I will always battle, but the difference between 29 with and eating disorder and 13 with an eating disorder is that I know when what I am doing is detrimental and I am able to have the sit down with myself and rationally look at my choices.

Bipolar II
Diagnosed while I was pregnant with the twins, I felt completely helpless and like this diagnosis was going to define my abilities as a wife and mother.  Constantly falling into deep depressions where I can't get out of bed really began in college, but the rage and anger began much earlier.  Lets face it folks, I was hell on wheels and an absolute BRAT.  The dumbest things would set me off and I would go into these fits of rage where I would throw things at family members, curse my parents out, destroy a room faster than a tornado and then come down off the high with in minutes like nothing had happened.  We didn't know then that what I was experiencing were the affects of the disorder, but now that I have a name and am being counseled I now know that probably some of the time I really had no control.  Now, I am on medication to stabilize the manic phases (which are few) and bring me out of those dark places.  They allow me to function and when I pull the typical bipolar move that I feel better and I don't need the meds anymore then things spiral downhill faster than an avalanche.  I'm not comfortable with the diagnosis and I have my concerns about the effects on my family, especially Lillian and Trenton, but I just have to realize that it's just like having diabetes.  Just take my medicines and my levels will remain right where they need to be.

Borderline Personality Disorder
Okay, honestly I don't understand this one too well, but I'm starting to after 10 years.  Basically what it boils down to is I'm a black and white thinker and there is absolutely no gray.  I either hate you or I love you.  It's either right or wrong and there is absolutely no compromising.  If you know me, you know I'm a very rigid person and things have to be just so or my world falls down around me (or so I think).  This makes marriage a little difficult, especially being married to such a laid back gentleman who just goes with the flow.  However, in my little narrow-minded world things will operate a specific way.  How that has become a disorder, I do not know, but I am learning skills to be more dialectical and open in my thinking.  I'm learning to not react out of emotion, to check the facts of the situation, and to make a decision or determination that looks at all sides.

Dissociative Identity Disorder   
My new (and probably 13 therapist) knew immediately that I had this disorder on our first meeting in March, but I was not given the official label until two weeks ago.  It's like when my Mom knew I was pregnant a whole month before I knew...freaky.  But, lets just call a spade a spade, I hear voices or have other identities.  I have for a majority of my life, but thought it was just me having conversations with myself in my head.  Or that little voice in the back of your head that tells you that it's probably not a good idea to eat the whole bag of oreos.  Now I don't turn into a completely different person and have different names like you may see on Dr. Phil or documentaries.  I'm Shelley and I have some friends who like to give their input every now and then.  And, I have a lot of voices who have input as to what I should do and they are all very distinct  and they all serve a different purpose in my life.  The way it was explained to me is that when I experienced trauma in my life such as being bullied or beat up on a daily basis when I was young, I would dissociate from my body and that identity would take the pain for me.  It protected me.  That is probably why I never cried when I was beat up, because I really didn't feel much of anything.  Now this is the scarier of all the diagnoses, because not a lot of people know about it and may judge me or think I'm full of it and that's okay.  I am learning to be comfortable with who God made me to be.  Who knows, maybe one of these voices will finally give me the winning lottery numbers for the mega millions.  I'm not totally comfortable with this diagnosis yet, and it will probably take me years like the other diagnoses, but I want to start taking the steps in managing the illness instead of running from it like I have for so many years.

Self-Mutilation/Injury
This is probably they only thing in my life that I'm embarrassed about and probably will be until the day I die. This started when I was little by hitting myself in the head or punching my thighs until they bruised.  Of course I never did this in front of anyone because that would be just plain ludicrous to be sitting at the dinner table and beating the crap out of yourself.  But I did this when I would get frustrated, didn't do well at something, or when I thought I disappointed someone.  As I grew older and people started beating me up, I saw no need to do that as often so I resorted to something that would bring me out of my state of numbness.  So I started cutting in middle or high school.  Nothing noticeable in the beginning because it had to be my secret.  However, as I got older an things became more difficult in my life I resorted to cutting more to the point where it became a daily ritual.  I have been hospitalized for this just for obvious reasons.  Now let me be clear.  Cutting is not an act to commit suicide...those are two completely different situations and I have dealt with both.  Cutting is to feel the pain that's on the inside on the outside.  I have allowed suicide to be an option for me on multiple occasions and have been hospitalized at least 3 times, but it was never because I was cutting to get to that point.  This too is something that I struggle with especially if I speak of something very emotional or difficult during a therapy session.  I'm not a crier so I'm not going to sob my pain away.  However, I am learning to let that part of my life go and to allow myself to feel the pain on the inside.

Message In a Nutshell
I share this with you because it's not something I want to hide anymore.  I feel like I have been lying to all of you for all of these years because I was ashamed and afraid of judgment.  I know there's going to be at least one person out there who is going to question or challenge me.  There will certainly be critics, but if I can't be honest with you then I will never be able to be honest with myself.  Becoming a mother has changed me in so many ways and I want the absolute best for Lillian and Trenton, but in order for them to have the absolute best they need to have the absolute best mom.  In order for me to be the absolute best mom, I need to be health mind, body and soul.  I also want to be that voice for those who are still hiding in the shadows.  Don't be afraid...come out, come out wherever you are and know that there is someone here to embrace you with love and acceptance!