Anger is Poison

Anger is an evil in life that can destroy a person and everyone in their path.  In fact, I have decided that anger is more damaging to the person who is angry that the person the anger is directed toward.  You find all these reasons to be mad and to find fault in the person(s), that after a while it has completely consumed your life and you can't enjoy.  I know a lot of angry people in my life.  They are angry about past hurts, what they may have been cheated of, or even the job they have.  They are negative people who just emit poison into the air for everyone else to breathe.  You want to know the one person in my life who I see as the angriest and just feels that life never goes their way...ME.  Yup, I'm not afraid to admit that deep down inside I am a very angry person and there are many people in my inner circle who meet my wrath up close in personal.

I can be very good at playing the victim on the inside and vomiting anger on the outside.  I have identified several things that make me angry to the point of steam coming out of my ears from boiling on the inside.  I'm angry a lot about being adopted.  I'm not angry at the people who adopted me because they have been wonderful, but I'm angry about the circumstances that led to the adoption.  It's nothing I can change 29 years later, but  I will admit it's in there.  Who met my wrath for that anger...Mom and Dad as well as my others in my family.  I made the mistake of doing research to find out more about my biological family in this past year.  Before I would just sweep it under the rug and not discuss the sperm donor and incubator.  Well I began to think about, after having my own kids and looking into their eyes everyday, what it would be like if I had to hand them over to complete strangers.  So I gave them (the biological) family a chance to explain themselves.  This got me know where because my questions were never answered and after doing research I found out that key players have passed away.  I know many of you will not understand my need to have these answers since I never knew these people, but I feel like there is a hole inside of me that will never be filled.

Another thing I'm angry about...the way I was treated by my peers growing up.  They judged me based on the outside and never got a chance to take a look at the inside.  Being beat up every day and called vial names from kindergarten to 12th grade is not exactly a walk in the park.  I never retaliated and I tried my best not to show my pain, but I was very angry most of my childhood.  I think I was angry because I felt powerless and like I should have just knocked the crap out of one of them. I mean I am the youngest of 5 so I can hold my own.  Just ask Dawn ;)  Anyway, I am actually finding ways to channel this anger by speaking out and regaining my power on this one.  I will start speaking in schools next month about my experiences growing up and hopefully plant a little seed in just one person's head that words do hurt for a long time.

I'm angry that I don't feel like a kind person to the people who matter the most in my life...especially my husband.  Wow, if I were married to me I would have left a long time ago.  He gets the brute force of my wrath.  If the house is a mess after he volunteered to watch the kids for me so I can get away for a few hours I flip.  I don't thank him for what he has done nor am I happy that my children are alive and happy, I just see the mess and more work to be done.  If we are budgeting and I don't like where we are financially, some how that is completely his fault and my head starts to spin.  If I feel like he's not disciplining the kids the way I think it should be done, then it's all out war.  So the moral of this story is I have high expectations of one person who is only human.  Anger is poison.

I'm not perfect and never will be.  I need to learn to control my anger as well as my tongue and I think that everyone should make a valid attempt to do so.  All this anger is only causing me more pain and driving people around me nuts...not to mention probably making them feel as tall as a thimble.  You want to know what makes me different, though, than others who have anger inside.  I can admit my faults and I'm willing to work on it to better myself.  I'm not looking for someone to blame like most people I know.  When I'm wrong, I'm really wrong and once I started accepting that I was unable to tell people I'm sorry for the way I treated them.  I hope this post opens a lot of eyes and makes sense.